Life Death Grieving and Sh*t

If you’re here just for the knitting there is only a brief mention. Scan down and look at the sweater a few photos down and have a nice day. 

This is me age 3. 

You know how they say some people are old souls? Well, I am the opposite of that, a new soul or naive soul, whatever it’s called. I have always been new and raw. I’m always learning and always trying to figure things out. I am an only child so I don’t have that competitive instinct from years of vying for attention. I am me whether I am alone, with one other person or in a crowd. 


Me age 6.

The last bunch of years have been hard. There was dealing with my father’s declining health, his death, my mother’s brief health crisis and her death all on top of my aunt, uncle and BIL’s deaths and then  when I thought it could get no worse, my FIL’s declining health and death. It sucked. It left me feeling very open like a freshly healed scrape that just kept being ripped open. 


Me age 4 wearing a wool sweater knit by my father’s aunt Mary. 

While in the midst I was calm, cool, collected and most of all on top of everything and I mean everything. I dealt with everything from doctors to nurses to middle of the night crisies to hospice (twice) to lawyers to electricians to plumbers to realtors. I did it all. I did 90% by myself. 


Me age 5 and Fiddle my first dog

There were things that happened that I just let go. In the whole picture of what was going on I deemed those things not worth dealing with at the time. My house hasn’t   recovered. Quite a bit of time has passed since then and these things I let go still weigh on me. I was raised to be kind and polite. To put other people and their feelings first. I always expect the best of people (which The Husband reminds me regularly “you expect too much of people.”) and more often than not I am disappointed. I should remember that people suck but I don’t. I’m forever an optimist. 

I am still bothered by the comment made by a cousin after my mother’s funeral-“you really are a <insert maiden name here>” because I was stoic and held myself together. I’d been a <insert maiden name here> for 53 years and she’d just noticed? Should I have said “you’ve always been a bitch” though that isn’t what I would have said all the times she treated me badly when we were kids. 

I’m still stunned by my SIL (I have 4) who said to me after my FIL’s funeral “I feel so bad for my children losing their first grandparent.” All I could do was look at her and after a pause say “Oh I know, the first one is so hard.” I didn’t say “Yes, it’s so hard for your children, all over age 21, to lose a grandparent. Did you notice that mine lost 3 in just over 6 months and N is 13 years old.” Oh wait, only one inlaw (other than my MIL) sent a card when my mother died. None when my father died. No one attended the funerals. No one offered help, or even a shoulder to cry on at any point in all those years. Maybe they didn’t notice. Though based on the level of detail of their lives we hear about from my MIL a death in ours must have come up in conversation. 

There are other things and other people but you get the idea. 

My world has gotten smaller as I’ve tried to figure out how to get over, get beyond. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep to thinking about how to deal with this type of stuff that just haunts me and I’ve made a decision. I’m moving on. I am choosing to have people in my life who want to be there and who I want there. I’m not obligated to spend time with people who don’t care about me and my family. I’m not going to feel bad about it. Based on past behavior they won’t care anyway. 


Me age 1 

Happy Tuesday people. Have a great day! I’m going to go knit.

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About nothingbutknit2

I'm a wife, mother and knitter. Watch out for my pointy sticks.
This entry was posted in Knits, Knitting, Quirky Knitter, this place, What was. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Life Death Grieving and Sh*t

  1. I’m so sorry to read that it’s been a very rough past few years, Karen. You are absolutely right to grow the good relationships and focus on the positive. Wishing you lots of strength and peace in knitting – from another only-child. ❤

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  2. Wishing you a lots of strength! People don’t suck, only our expectations on them do…. If you are nice to others, and expect the same from them, you’ll be dissapointed a lot. You should be nice to people, because it makes YOU feel good…. Also remember, just because you are related to someone, it doesn’t make them family, and you are not obliged to treat them any different than random people….

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  3. Karen you have had a tough time and are still grieving. Yes people can be horrid and self obsessed but there are gems out there and it is worth sifting through the dross to find those worth your time.

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  4. You have been through a difficult time, and that is only putting it very gently and mildly. Difficult does not begin to even come close to what you really went through, felt, and still are coping with. I can only say that I have a small idea of what you are dealing with, as I have lost nearly all of the older generation in my family, except for an aunt and uncle on my Dad’s side.
    I still have days when I just want to talk to my Mom although it’s nearly 15 years now.
    I love your last paragraph, you have made a good and wise decision. ( I think so at least )
    Be strong. Take care.
    ps: I love your old photos, I can never get enough of these. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. kathyreeves says:

    I’m sending you a hundred cyber hugs. Sending some prayers your way that God will heal your heart from the hurts of humans and send you the kindred sister that you so deserve. I think that knitting is good for one’s soul, so knit some more, friend. Thanks for sharing, sometimes that helps the most!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Keos says:

    I’m so sorry to read about the tough times you’ve gone through! I admire your strength during these times, and the strength it takes to make such a brave decision to surround yourself with happiness and lovely people! A few years ago, I made a similar decision not to have certain people in my life anymore, and it scared me at first to break with these people, but I can honestly say that that decision has brought me so much more joy and peace than keeping them around would have (I tried that for years; it didn’t work). It really is true that you get to know who your real friends are during the tough times!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. salpal1 says:

    oh, dear! Such awful loss, and no siblings to share the pain, the burden, the sweet memories with. A shame that your ILs don’t see that, and can’t offer support. I hope that your SIL wasn’t being intentionally obtuse, but your answer was perfect. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family. And if that means only being near certain people than that is just the way it is. And know that this circle of people might change over the years. Right now it is all new and fresh and completely overwhelming. But in time, relationships do change, so be open to that, too. And for heaven’s sake, keep knitting.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Stefanie says:

    How much you’ve had to deal with. I’m so sorry. Blood is not always thicker than water; I can attest to that here. I think you made a good decision. It’s your life; live it the way you want to. You are ADORABLE! Loved seeing your childhood pictures.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I dreamed last night that one of my sons had died and I was cleaning out his apartment by myself because the rest of my family basically sucks. Then I read your post. I am so sorry for the self absorbed and insensitive family in laws. Shame on them! You are right to pull away from people who just don’t seem to care about you; life is too short and you deserve much, much better.

    Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. chrisknits says:

    I am learning this lesson in life. And why does it have to be family who you come to this conclusion about? Prayers for your heart to find peace! And, yes to strawberries, love the projects, and congrats to N!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. KerryCan says:

    Good heavens–what a lot you’ve been through! The others have already given you good advice–and reinforced what you already know to be best for yourself. I would only add, and I hope you won’t take offense, that speaking to a professional, objective counselor might give you a valuable kind of support as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. That really sucks, I’m sorry you have been through so much, and even sorrier you have had to be around such assholes along the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. AliInPerth says:

    Sending you lots of light, love and strength. I’m sorry to hear this has been such a difficult path.

    I find as I get older that I have essentially two families. My blood relations, some of whom I have nothing in common with except an ancestor, and then there are those who come into my life as friends who end up being much closer than those I’m technically related to. We never talk about this second ‘chosen’ family but I think they’re just as important as the other.

    In terms of expectations of others, I’m not sure what to say. I have very low expectations of people – which probably makes me sound like a cranky old cynic – but in practice it allows me to be absolutely delighted at the small things people sometimes do.

    I do hope you feel better in the coming days.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. YarnyDragonfly says:

    You have been through several very traumatic years, more than anyone should ever have to go through. It will take some time and healing to deal with that (although it never really goes away, it just gets less painful somehow). I can’t believe how insensitive people in your own family were to you during all of this and you are right to limit contact with those people. Be kind and good to yourself, surround yourself with positive experiences and people, and keep knitting. And, never, ever stop being yourself! I love the old photos of you and I can still see that little girl in you! Sending big, giant hugs your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. nanacathy2 says:

    Sometimes people amaze me with their calousness. **** them! Stay with the people who really care. PS sometimes siblings can be a pain too, and don’t get me started on step families…xx

    Liked by 1 person

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