I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come to the blog with the intention of writing a post. A real post with knitting and life and all that goes on in a day to day journaling sort of way. I would sit down, sign in and I then battle myself over what to write. I wanted to write the truth as I always try to do but I also want to be pleasant and upbeat. Who wants to read a cranky post? I was on that line. I could come here and smile and act like there was nothing on my mind or I could come here and tell the truth. As time passed it became harder to just put on a happy face and type. I need to put out the truth and for me that is hard. The hardest part is that there are real life people here. I don’t want their view of me diminished. I don’t want to look like I’m selfish and petty. But there is truth to tell and I have to tell it.
When we returned from vacation I had a package from the lawyer handling my aunt’s estate. It was not what I expected. I probably shouldn’t have had expectations but I did. At first I was mad. Why was I neglected and treated so differently than everyone else? Over time I realized that my feeling were hurt more than anything else and I let those feelings take over my life. I was depressed. Hours of sleep were lost trying to figure out what I had done. My rational mind knew I did nothing. My aunt had Alzheimer’s for years and her decisions were influenced by others I’m sure. In the months from my aunt’s death to the arrival of package from the lawyer I was lied to and things were done to insure I wouldn’t be able to complain later. I’ve tried to come to terms with all this and most of the time I’m fine. Now and then though those black feeling return. That is when I have to remind myself that it is time to move on and just get over it. I’ll see you tomorrow.